


Where Dysfunction Meets Delusion

by SlitheredFromEden



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Amy does too, Crack Fic, Dee and Rosa flirt, Established Relationship, F/F, F/M, Hijinks & Shenanigans, In which Dennis and Mac are married, Jake just wants to be alone, M/M, Multi, The Nightman Cometh gets an Encore, bc I said so, just imagine s13 of them as a couple
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-07
Updated: 2019-01-07
Packaged: 2019-10-05 00:03:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17314310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SlitheredFromEden/pseuds/SlitheredFromEden
Summary: Tired of slow burn MacDennis? Can't wait for season 6 of B99 to finally air? Me too, bitch.It's Jake and Amy's honeymoon. It was supposed to a spectacular cruise full of sexy times, not one filled with their friends tagging along because they have no sense of personal boundaries. Also, on the same cruise, Mac and Dennis are having similar issues with their honeymoon. The rest of the gang decided to join them because they deserved a vacation too, or so they claimed.





	Where Dysfunction Meets Delusion

**Author's Note:**

> Where Dysfunction (B99) Meets Delusion (IASIP)  
> or the Alternate title: Jake and Dennis want to be alone with their spouses, but the world never gives them what they want

Jake POV

 

Jake slumped against their cruise issued suite and sat in the hall. This was supposed to be his and Amy's first vacation as a married couple. Not a group trip for the entire precinct. Don't get him wrong, he loves his friends but sometimes privacy is needed. The main thing that has him irritated is that Amy, for some odd reason, isn't bothered at all.

When their friends appeared Jake was expecting her to freak out because they weren't a part of her itinerary, instead she smiled so wide and greeted them like the ran into each other during lunch break. Jake wondered if he did something to upset her. When he brought it up, her easy going attitude towards this whole ordeal, they argued over it for a while.. Bringing him where is right now, pouting in a stupid hallway.

"Goddammit, Dennis!" An angry voice shouted from the room across from where Jake sat. "bragging about your erotic memoirs to the gang when I was standing right there? They are not supposed to even be here!" 

 _Erotic memoirs?_ Jake shook his head, he must have misheard.

"C'mon, Mac, I was joking about them! Not bragging about them! You know I love you, right?" Dennis, Jake assumed, shouted in return.

"I can't with you right now.. Just leave me alone," Mac, the other man, voice was lower but still audible for him to hear.

"You can't with me right now? You _can't with me_ right now? Really, Mac?" Dennis responded. "Just hear me out-"

"Yes Really! DENNIS, GET THE FUCK OUT!"

"I'M LEAVING! I'M LEEAVIIIING!" Dennis screamed, then stepped out into the hall facing Jake. He took a long stare at Jake and placed his hand on his hip."Were you eavesdropping on us? That’s sick, you freak,"

"Not on purpose," Jake spoke defensively. "I kinda got kicked out, too."

Dennis let out a humorless laugh, "I knew this honeymoon thing was going to flop,”

"Oh, you are on your honeymoon too?" Jake finally stood.

"Yeah, but here we are.. arguing on the first day.. Anyway, I'm Dennis Reynolds," Jake noticed his abrupt need to change the subject.

"Detective Jake Peralta.. Well just Jake is good," 

"Well Just Jake, let's go grab some drinks because we both are terrible husbands," 

Jake, despite himself, actually laughed, "I’m not a terrible husband,"

"Coming or not?" Dennis questioned impatiently.

"Sure,"

At the bar, Rosa and a blonde woman were sitting side by side laughing about something on the blonde woman's phone.

Dennis took a seat beside, "What up, bitch?"

"Excuse you?" Rosa growled. "Her name is-"

"Rosa, it's okay, this bastard is my brother. The one who's on his honeymoon." the blonde placed her hand on Rosa's, who visibly relaxed. 

Jake took the unoccupied seat next to his friend, "Hey, Rosa."

"Jake," She nodded. 

"You to know each other?" Dennis gestured between the two. 

"Yeah, Rosa is a detective too." He smiled proudly for his friend. "A great one,"

"Ohhh, Detective Diaz," the blonde giggled. "I like the sound of that,"

"Jake, this is my twin sister Dee. Dee, this is Jake. We met five minutes ago," Dennis popped open a beer with his teeth. It was the coolest thing Jake was ever seen someone drink a beer. 

"You brought your sister to your honeymoon?" Jake asked. "No judgement, no judgement. It happens," 

Dee laughed, "We invited ourselves since our dad-well, if you'd call Frank our dad-paid for it,"

"Told you jake tagging along a honeymoon wasn't unheard of," commented Rosa. 

Jake noticed how mesmerized Rosa was with Dee. Maybe Amy was right, and having them along with could be good for them. He was genuinely happy Rosa was having a good time. 

"You're still invited to jump off the side of the cruise," Dennis scoffed at his sister. 

"They invited themselves, too." Jake said into his beer. "My friends,"

Dennis raised his drink, "A toast to people with no sense of privacy,"

"Hear hear," Jake laughed even though he earned a solid punch from both Rosa and Dee. 

 

Dennis POV

 

"Does Mac know you two met?" Dee asked her twin, a menacing grin growing across her features.

"No, Dee, because Mac doesn't need an update every time I meet someone." Dennis took a long swing out of his beer.

"Uh huh. Sure." Dee snorted.

"You'll understand once you're married, Deandra." Dennis’ thoughts went back to Mac. Although he believed he did nothing wrong, Dennis knew Mac would never apologize for overreacting. 

"Mac gets very jealous. That man doesn't have the best temper.." Dee allowed her voice to trail off. "He'll think you're cheating on him. With a cop no less,"

Dennis groaned, "Thank you so much, Deandra, for telling me things I already know about Mac. Like you said he's my _husband_ let me deal with him."

Dee stared at him for a moment, "You guys fought, didn't you? You totally did!" 

"We did not," Dennis huffed. "Which reminds me... Hey, Rosa, Jake fought with whoever he’s married to. Which I assume is a woman, regardless of that, I found him sitting the the hall,"

"Hey! Not cool," Jake protested. "His husband kicked him out of their place, too!"

"You fought with Amy?" Rosa asked the same time Dee cheered, "I knew it!" 

"That’s between me and Mac! Not some random detective I just met," Dennis felt his face heat up. 

"Sorry not sorry, dude. That’s what you get when you throw Detective Jake Peralta under the bus,” 

"Listen here you nutsack, this is your honeymoon. Not any other day where you guys can easily avoid each other!" Dee slammed her hand on the counter in front of Dennis. "Use your nice words and talk to him."

Dennis hated it when Dee made sense. He hated it even more because she making sense in front of strangers. Before he had the chance to insult her Danny Frank and someone he didn't know came running to their side.

"Jake!" the man grinned. "Those guys are incredible! They just won three rounds of beer pong like it was nothing,"

"Charles!" Jake lightened up. "Let's go do something."

Dennis felt a headache forming, of course he'd know Jake.

Charles looked around, "Where's Mrs. Peralta?"

"I kinda pissed Amy off and need a distraction until she wants to talk to me again," 

Dennis crossed his arms and faced Frank and Charlie."What kind of gross bullshit did you guys get into?" 

"Nothing, Dennis, damn." Charlie replied. He looked to be more of a mess than usual. "Can;t two men do something maturely and respectfully?"

"Why you gotta assume we did something?" Frank retorted. "Hey, where's the gayer one? "

Dennis rolled his eyes at Frank's remark regarding Mac. Ever since they got together Frank picked up the habit of addressing him and Mac as Gay and Gayer. He never gives Frank the satisfaction of showing how much he hates it. Mac, on the other hand, claims homophobia and smashes whatever is in front of him. The gang get a kick out of it every time. 

"He and Dennis fought," Dee snitched. 

"You bitch," Dennis hissed. 

"I'll go talk to him," Charlie offered, with that he was gone. Leaving Frank behind.

"Who’s the broad and the Jew?" Frank, the port excuse of a man, asked loudly. 

"Frank!" Dee hissed. "You piece of shit! You’re embarrassing me!"

Dennis pinched the bridge of his nose. He looked over to the others. Jake, Rosa, and the newcomer were babbling about Amanda or whatever her name was, so he took the final swing of his beer and left. Not caring about either conversations, because a) he’s too good for them and b) he misses Mac. 

Plus, who knows what kind of nonsense Charlie is filling Mac’s head with. 

 

Jake POV

 

After talking to friends, he was advised to talk to Amy-who according to Charles-was in the dining hall. Jake rehearsed his speech five times on his way there. Of course spotted as soon as he arrived. Amy was talking to a well built man. Whatever he was saying made her erupt with laughter. Jake felt a small rage built beneath his skin, and sped up his pace and made contact with his wife.

"Oh, Jake, I was picking out some california rolls that you like," Amy smiled brightly at him. "As a peace offering for losing my temper.."

True to her word, Amy had a plate filled his favorite sushi rolls. "I love you so much, Ames. No, I'm sorry for pushing your buttons.. I know I can be overbearing sometimes. I just wanted our honeymoon to be perfect like you are."

"Mr. Santiago, I forgive you," Amy leaned in and kissed him softly. Jake felt the air escape his lungs, and kissed her back. 

"You guys are so cute," The man offered them a dopey smile.

"Oh, Jake." Amy pulled away from the kiss. "This is Mac,"

"You're Mac? Dennis' Mac?" Jake eyes widened in shock.

"Yeah, bro." Mac laughed. "Den is my husband,"

"You know his husband?" Amy furrowed her brows. Jake wanted to die because she was so cute. 

"Yeah, met Dee too." Jake told Mac. Then returned his attention to Amy, "Rosa totally has a crush on her. I saw Rosa make heart eyes at her and everything,"

"No way!" Amy's eyes lit up. "Let's get them to fall in love, but later.  Me and you, Mr. Santiago, are on our honeymoon,"

"Yes way!" Jake mirrored her expression. "Let's! We're the only one who can since we're married. Practically experts, but after we have own own fun,"

"Are you sure you're talking about Dee? No one should like her, she's the worst." Mac said with disbelief. 

"Mac! Mac!" Charlie, Jake remembered, shouted from across the room. "I've been looking everywhere for you! Dee said you and Dennis fought. What happened? You you two divorcing now? Did you do a prenup? Should I draw up a contract? Tell me, Mac! Tell me what to do!" 

By the time Charlie stopped talking he was standing face to face with Mac. 

Mac shook his head, "I am not divorcing Dennis, Charlie. We are forever,"

"Don't say forever, dude. His last wife ended up dead." Charlie said matter of factly.

"Dude she fell of a roof pretending to be a cat," Mac huffed defensively. 

Jake tried to keep up with the conversation between Mac and Charlie. Key word being tried. Jake looked over to Amy, who look just as confused. Thank god Gina showed up because Jake felt like he was losing his mind. There was supposed to be no thinking on his honeymoon. 

"Hey Jake! Hey Amy!" Gina shouted over the music blasting through her headphones. "Who’s the beefcake?" 

"I’m Mac," Mac introduced himself. 

Gina pulled her headphones around her neck, "Hey Mac, want to go bathe in the sun with me?" 

"I should tell you I’m gay and recently married,” Mac supplied. 

"Ugh forget it," Gina turned up her music and placed her headphones back on. 

"What are you listening to?" Charlie perked up. 

"The Nightman Cometh original cast recording," Gina replied. "Ever heard of it?"

"Uh yeah! I wrote it!" Charlie replied excitedly. "I’m Charlie Kelly!"

"You are coming with me," Gina yanked his arm. "My social media followers are gunna freak," 

"He wrote a musical?" Amy asked dumbfoundedly. 

"Charlie is so talented," Mac spoke proudly. "It’s about how he was molested by his uncle,"

"He wrote a play about being molested?" Jake tried not to look shocked.

"A tormented artist," Mac nodded solemnly.

 

Dennis POV

Dennis knocked on his and Mac’s suite door. When his husband didn’t answer he let himself in. 

"Mac?" Dennis called out. 

He walked into the bedroom and found a pile of stolen wallets instead of Mac. Without a doubt Dennis figured Charlie left these behind. Mac wouldn’t have let him. So, Mac must have been not here when Charlie arrived. 

The only place Dennis can think of where Mac might be is the dining hall. Mac ate when he was upset. Luckily for him, it isn’t too far. 

Mac was sitting at a table with Jake and Jake’s wife Alice or whatever. 

"Mac," Dennis addressed him as reached him. "We need to talk,” 

"Do we?" Mac didn’t bother turning to face him.

"Yes, don’t be like this," Dennis’ voice betrayed him and his words came out as a whine.

"Let’s talk here then," Mac finally faced him. 

"I’m sorry you can’t take a joke," Dennis started. "I should have known better,"

Mac sighed and resumed his conversation with Jake, "Tell me more about this Terry guy. Is he really that jacked?” 

"Heck yeah, you ask ask him about his gym routine. He loves talking about health," Jake laughed. 

"Okay okay, let me try again," Dennis groaned. 

This time Mac stood and crossed his arms, "I’m listening,"

"I should have thought about how you felt when I was joking about my memoirs. Mac, baby, I really wasn’t bragging. I’m married to you. I love you and I’m sorry," 

"Promise me to think before you speak next time,"

"I promise to always to think about you," Dennis edged closer. "I don’t wanna think about thing other than you on your knees taking me into-"

"Den! We’re in public, dude!" 

"I don’t care," Dennis broke the distance between them and kissed Mac. Dennis’ arms found their way around Mac’s waist. 

"Cool cool cool cool. They’re in love. No doubt no doubt.” Jake rambled. "C’mon, Amy. Let’s go smoosh butts of our own," 

"Last one there is the lesser cop," Amy, yes that’s her name, said as she took off. 

"Hey!" Dennis heard Jake whine as he followed her. 

"We should get back to our room," Mac said breathlessly. "I’m not trying to get in boat jail again,"

"We’re fine," Dennis grinned. 

Mac trailed soft kisses down Dennis’ neck. Just as Dennis felt his cock harden some idiot cleared their throat. 

"Excuse me sirs,” A man in uniform said. "I need to leave the dining hall,"

"Why? Because we’re gay?" 

"No, we’re trying to eat. Not watch live action porn," 

"Listen here, you pathetic sack of blood. If you ever interrupt me and my husband ever again, I’m going to peel your flesh and feed it-"

"We’re leaving," Mac interrupted. "C’mon, Den. Privacy doesn’t sound too bad."

Dennis glared at the man as Mac practically dragged him away.  

Later that night, Dennis and Mac met up with the gang who happened to be sharing a dinner table with Jake and his herd of friends. 

"Dennis! Mac!" Frank called out to them. "This man says he’s been gay married forever. You guys should take some advice."

"Frank," Mac said tiredly. "It’s just married. You gay every time. Sorry, sir,"

"It’s alright, I find Frank quite hilarious," the man said expressionless. 

"Uhhh okay?" Dennis took a seat beside Dee and told her. "Get up, Mac sits next to me,”

"I was here first!” 

"Get up, Deandra, it’s his honeymoon." Frank told her.

"I hate you all, and I hope you choke," She hissed as Mac claimed her seat. 

 

Jake POV

 

Half through their meal, a woman with a toothy smile stood on the stage. "Good evening to all of our guests! Tonight we have a special performance by a Tony nominated singer/songwriter Charlie Kelly!" 

"I know them!" Jake shouted from his seat. "Those are my friends!"

"Dennis, what’s happening?" Mac asked him. 

“That psychotic son of a bitch is performing The Nightman Cometh,"

"Without me?" Dee stood abruptly. "I’m a fucking star goddamnit!" 

As if on cue Terry, Gina, Scully, and Hitchcock stood on the stage. Charlie was sitting to the side on the piano. Then he started playing. 

 _Dayman ah-ah-ah_  
  
_Fighter of the Nightman ah-ah-ah_  
  
_Champion of the Sun ah-ah-ah_  
  
_Youre a Master of Karate and friendship_  
_For Everyone_

Dennis look at every one and shrugged. He stood, then Mac, and soon everyone else at the table was standing, clapping, and singing along. 

_Dayman ah-ah-ah_

_Fighter of the Nightman ah-ah-ah_  
  
Champion of the Sun ah-ah-ah  
  
Youre a Master of Karate and friendship  
For Everyone

"Terry loves The Nightman!" Terry shouted with excitement. 

 

 

 

The End.  

**Author's Note:**

> Was this a waste of your time? Yes.  
> Do I regret writing this? Yes.


End file.
